80,000 jobs were cut in March in the U.S. 152,000 jobs total were lost in February and January. So, with that comforting thought, is anyone else here freaking out? I can’t sleep at night, thinking about how I’m going stay out of the dreaded unemployment line. Visions keep going through my mind of me serving snowcones out of one of those portable booths this summer or worse: me substitute-teaching in the public school system! Aaaaaahhhhh!!!! That’s about when I wake up in a cold sweat, rush to my laptop, and start madly sending out resumes to anyone and everyone I can (except the public school system, of course).

If you’re as paranoid as I am about having a job three months from now, here are five suggestions from a frantic mind on how to keep your job during the recession:

1. Blackmail the boss Remember that company holiday party where your manager got up and sang “I’m Too Sexy” after one too many shots of egg nog? Remember how you caught the whole performance on your camera phone? Now is the time to put that footage to good use.

2. Knock off the competition There are many subtle ways to get rid of that annoying new guy horning in on your territory, threatening to remove you from the picture. Talk him into taking projects that are bound to fail, for instance. Undermine his efforts behind the scenes. Catch him breaking company rules and report him anonymously to HR. Desperate times call for unkind, underhanded measures.

3. Kiss up to the boss Bosses love to have their egos stroked and they hate to get rid of people who stroke their ego. There’s always someone else more annoying, more unpleasant to be around that they could ax, but you? No. You make them feel good, feel like they can conquer the world.

4. Become entrenched Every office has a few individuals who know where everything is, how everything works. They hold esoteric knowledge in their brains that no one else seems to know, and they lock it away there like Fort Knox. These people will never be laid off because the knowledge vacuum that would open in their absence would cause the organization to implode. Be one of these people.

5. Become a superstar Perhaps the best way to ensure your survival during a recession is to be the guy who brings in the most money. You’ve been reserving all your star power for an occasion like this. Now is the time to go above and beyond. Now is the time to be proactive and bring in new business. Now is the time to generate ideas that cut costs or increase revenue. Now is the time to be the MVP they can’t stand to lose. Good luck to you in the recession! Stay out of my way and I’ll stay out of yours…

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