The stuff that people contribute to office Christmas party gift exchanges range from stale Slim Jims to leftover achievement plaques to genuinely cool gifts. And everyone wants to be the person who brought the gift that everyone fought over or that had everyone rolling in the aisles. With more enthusiastic crowds, bad presents can generate some genuine resentment and hostility. Good presents can boost your social status.

To make the process of finding that perfect gift a little easier, I did some research online and found the following surefire winners at affordable prices [Disclaimer: should the use and/or giving of the following items result in physical harm or social ostracization, the writer denies any and all responsibility for these outcomes]:

1. Elvis Presley Magnetic Playset (Target.com; $9.99)

Who has never dreamed about being able to dress the King in a variety of rockin outfits? Well, now, with this paper doll-style set, anyone can experiment with Elvis’ wardrobe from the comfort of their own refrigerator. This gift is the ideal mix of humor, retro, pop culture, and weirdness. Click here to find out more.

2. Moo Mixer Chocolate Milk Mixer (Target.com; $10.99)

Are you tired of endlessly stirring your chocolate milk? Do your hands ache from spinning your spoon again and again and again? Well, now there’s relief. With the press of a button, your chocolate milk is mixed to a pleasant, creamy consistency. If your chocolate settles, just give the button a push and watch your chocolate milk return to intended evenness. This item will have your co-workers wrestling to take it home. Click here to find out more.

3. Mr. T in Your Pocket (McPhee.com; $12.95)

No one stood for tough like Mr. T. Now you can carry around the presence, the power, and the personality of Mr. T wherever you go. Someone cuts you off in traffic? Pull out Mr. T. Someone keeps making distracting comments during your presentation? Summon the power of Mr. T. Your supervisor gives you an unfavorable performance evaluation? Whip out Mr. T and give him a “Shut up, fool!” Throw this item into your gift exchange and watch people go crazy. Click here to find out more.

4. Yodeling Pickle (McPhee.com; $12.95)

This one definitely gets the weird/unusual thing down. Imagine the thrill of pressing the button on this seemingly ordinary pickle and hearing it yodel like the dickens over every cubicle in the office. Now that’s good times! Click here to find out more.

5. Ginormous Grow Rat (GagWorks.com; $4.99)

If it’s just pure, unexpected weirdness you’re going for, this gift takes the cake. When (or if) you were an eight-year old boy, this would have been a genuinely cool gift. For a roomful of inhibited business professionals, this may be just the thing to get them acting up. Don’t expect ladies of any age to care for this one, but the men will go nuts. Click here to find out more.

You’re well on your way to having that standout gift at the office Christmas party. Will it result in a bigger raise? An unforeseen promotion? No promises here. But, at the very least, everyone will know you are one funny (or frighteningly bizarre) son-of-a-gun. And that’s what matters…

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